Shadowbound
by shadowsmirage
Summary: The Once and Future King and The People's Queen are finally together. The most loyal of Arthur's knights now form the Knights of the Round Table. And Merlin? Merlin is still a servant. Alone in his room he thinks of the two sides of a coin; when it hits the ground, wich side will stay forgotten? He thinks he knows the answers. He refuses to be a shadow of a man.
1. Chapter 1

Warning: English is not my first language. Read at your own peril.

Disclamer: Merlin is not mine

* * *

The repercussion of the wedding still lingered within Camelot, even two weeks later. The atmosphere of the city hummed with happiness for the King and recently crowned Queen: you could see it in the lower town where the trade didn't stop until there was no more light to see the products; it was obvious in the taverns where laughter and music never stop, even when people should be working and not drinking; it was in the laughter of the children while they played in the streets. But above all you could see it in the castle, more specifically in the chaos that was in it.

Merlin had thought that the weddings in Ealdor had been chaotic. Not even when he got himself drunk and nearly burnt half of the village and released (and lost) the farming animals had been such chaos as in the royal wedding. And this time they couldn't blame the disaster on him: he hadn't drunk anything (well, almost anything. But the point remains). No, this time the disaster was entirely Arthur's fault. He had wanted a grandiose party to celebrate the coronation in spite of Gwen's protest. Arthur had wanted to announce to the world who his wife was and damn it all if someone would stop him. So in the end not only the nobles had attended the ceremony, but the majority of the common people as well. Of course the nobles hadn't been too happy but for Merlin there couldn't have been a better way to begin Arthur's and Gwen's reign together. The common people and the nobles celebrating side by side, the People's Queen and the Once and Future King at last united. Merlin was happy.

He was happy as long as he could ignore the left overs of the dinner that he still have to clean up, the floors he needed to scrub, the broken furniture that he have to replace and not to mention his usual choirs. It seemed that Arthur didn't understand the magnitude of the disaster he created and even have the audacity to call him lazy for not being on time the past day… and the day before that one, and the one before. But still. Kneeling in the wet floor killing his back while he scrubed a particularly resilient stain was most definitely not the definition of "lazy".

To be fair with the king, Arthur hasn't been angry with him for his tardiness. He was angry, to nobody's surprise, with the Council. Apparently being just married to the love of your live only granted you so much of free days to enjoy. It hadn't been even the fifth day after the wedding that the most elderly of the members of the Council were pressing for a meeting. Arthur had convinced them to wait for another two days, but the mood of the recently wed couple have been ruined. Even more so when, already in the meeting, they have argued against Guinevere attending to it. The excuses went form the polite "it would be unfair to overwhelm our new Queen so soon in her reign", passing to lees polite "she needs time to adjust to the change of station", to the mean "she is a woman and a former commoner and she would know nothing". Of course, the last one wasn't said outright, but it was insinuated in the speech of almost every council member. Least to say Arthur was not happy. But before Arthur could began chopping heads Gwen sat on the left chair of the king's, strengthened her back and, looking every man in the room in their eyes, said with the most regal voice:

"I am the Queen. My duty is to my people; to protect them, to guide them and to see that they are not forgotten when meetings such as this are held. As each one of you know I myself was a commoner and therefore know how their lives are, how they suffer. And how to help them.

My husband, your King, has made quite obvious in his policies that he cares for the good of all the people of Camelot, nobles and common folk alike. To try to negate me my place at this Council would be negating the voice of the people, thus going against your King. By being here I am helping our King to build the Camelot he dreams of. The question is, gentlemen, if you too are going to help or if you will stand in our way."

The members of the Council sat there, gaping. Or they would have been gaping if that wouldn't have been so unbecoming of men of their position. It was close, though, and Arthur was happy with that. He sat next to his Queen, beaming with pride and smiling. The councilmen didn't make a peep.

That day. The following days for the past week they have been a thorn on the side of the royals. They never explicitly said anything of the Queen not going to the meetings, but they were making everything in their power to make her feel unwelcome.

"I should banish them!" said Arthur, pacing. He was in the King's Chambers, with Gwen sitting in a chair and Merlin trying to stay out of the king's way.

"You already said that like a million times"

"Yes, Merlin, I know. Thank you for your irreplaceable advice on such an obvious thing."

"At least I give you some useful advice… now and then" said Merlin, not at all offended for the venom in his friend's words. He knew it was not directed at him.

"What the world has come to if you of all people is a better counsellor than actual councilmen". Remembering that day and how those despicable men have acted made Arthur clench his teeth. He needed to throw something. Where were goblets when one needed them? "I should banish them!"

Unnoticed to him, Merlin rolled his eyes.

"You can't banish every man who speak against you, Arthur. Not if you want to be a fair king" Gwen's voice was soft but behind it there was exasperation. Not at his husband, although her patience war running thin with him too.

"They aren't speaking against me. They are speaking against you!" shouted Arthur. His little control over his rage finally snapping. "They wouldn't take anything you say as correct. They treat you like if you knew nothing. If you would say that the sky is blue they would argue that is light blue instead!"

"And don't you think I don't know that?!" hissed Gwen. "They won't take me seriously and I can't help you if they will undermine every decision that I suggest. I can't help the people. I'm useless" At that Gwen's voice broke and a sob escaped her lips.

Immediately Arthur stopped pacing and went to hug her in an attempt to console her. She hugged him back and tried to hide her face in his chest while Arthur run his hand softly in her hair, whispering reassuring words. She wasn't crying but light tremors born out of anger and sadness run down her body. They embraced each other fiercely and Merlin felt completely out of place; like he was intruding something he had no right to be a part of. He slowly and quietly went to the door, opened it and left the couple alone. He wasn't needed at the moment.

None of the royals noticed his absence.

"What am I going to do, Arthur?"

"We need them to accept you, but they will only do so if they consider you noble enough, whatever that means" scoff Arthur. "I should..."

"If you are going to say 'I should banish them' one more time so help me the Gods I will slap you" warned Gwen. She nodded to the chairs near the desk and they sat.

"I was most certainly not going to say that" said Arthur in a tone of mock offence. They look each other in the eyes and started laughing. "I will not banish them. But I could remove them from the Council. Bring young blood to the meetings"

"That would be disastrous, Arthur, you know it. I don't like them, but they are the Lords of our farming lands, our mines, our roads. They control our economy. If we offend them the repercussions would be great."

"And the councilmen aren't the only problem, either. For what Leon told me the knights aren't very happy to follow orders from a commoner, even if they are far better with the sword than them"

"Elyan told me about it. Some kind of fight within Gwaine and Sir Aston about honour and tradition."

"Yes. Sir Aston isn't comfortable with the idea of 'low born knights with no sense of knightly bounds and honours' to be my personal guard and therefore being in a higher rank than himself." The tone of Arthur indicated how he felt about that statement. "He says -not in this exact words, mind you, but the meaning was clear nonetheless - that I'm breaking too many traditions, that is bad enough that I'm allowing low borns to become knights and now I'm promoting them"

"No wonder Gwaine broke his nose"

"I'm surprise Gwaine didn't broke more than his nose" said Arhur with a smile "If Leon hadn't been there I'm sure I'll be short one knight. Not that Sir Aston doesn't deserve a broken leg or two, but that is not the picture I want my noble knights to make of the common born. I want them to work together, not apart"

"Isn't Sir Aston the nephew of Lord Clayton?"

"Indeed he is. They think I don't see it, but it isn't a coincidence that Lord Clayton rejects you on the council and his nephew rejects my knights. They have always been power hungry and I'm a fairly new king, very young and I'm making quite the changes that goes against the conventional order of things. They're testing the limits, see if they can gain more power by undermining my decisions. If I didn't know for certain that they don't have enough military power I would fear a coup."

Both royals went silent after that. All the changes they wanted to make for the good of all the people were blocked by a high and mighty wall of high born. And try as they might nor Arthur not Gwen were able to see a way to bring it down.

"What are we going to do, Arthur? Are the nobles really so close-minded that they cannot see the worth of anyone but their own kind? Sir Leon had never had these problems"

"That's because Leon grew up with you and Elyan as examples of the worthiness of common folk. He interacted with you two enough to see..." While he was speaking, an idea start forming in Arthur's mind. It was so simply, really. It was a wonder they hadn't thought of it sooner "That's it! Guinevere, I know what to do!"

"Do what?"

"We need for you to interact with the noble men to show them our point of view" said Arthur, grinning. He seemed happy and excited, but Gwen couldn't see why.

"I have tried to speak with de Councilmen but they don't want to hear me"

"Not them, Guinevere. At least not now. Speak with the noble women, befriend them and convince them to support you. Then they can convince their husbands to support me."

"Isn't that the problem? That no noble born want to hear me?"

"No noble man want to hear you" pointed Arthur with a finger on the table. Then he move it to another, identical, place in the table "But you are a new Queen and I'm sure there is some amount of ladies who want to be your Lady in Waiting"

"Arthur, we talk about it. I'm not going to surround myself with a group of gossiping harpies just because is tradition. I though we were going to break them." said Gwen. Her tone was firm and unyielding. She was not going to suffer the badly concealed insults that the so called ladies were sure to say to her. She didn't have time for gossip and petty things; she needed to help Arthur built his dream, to help the people to a better way of living. Sitting and eating pastries while knitting with spoiled women was not the mean to that end. And more importantly she wouldn't betray her kind like this. For in her heart Gwen was still a servant girl, she belonged with the common people and she always would.

"And we are going to break them. But first we need people to break them with. We need support"

"And what make you think the noble women want to be near me, not to mention my Lady in Waiting"

"Because they are as power hungry as their husbands. If they think they may be a chance, however small, to gain your favour they will do it"

At last Gwen began to see what Arthur wanted her to do.

"So if I said I wanted to, say, allow the women to have a voice in the council they would try to convince their husbands to accept it because they would expect a reward for their actions"

"Exaclty!" said Arhur and then laugh. Problem solved, right?

"That won't work for all the changes we want to made. Maybe one or two, but no more" There was no way this could work. It pained Gwen to think so, but it was the truth. They couldn't built a kingdom from manipulation.

"That is why I want you to befriend them. Among all those harpies there must be al least one woman honourable enough to be on your side not for personal favours but because she believes in you. I believe you can show them true honour and compassion; that you can win their loyalty by showing your true self: one of love and friendship"

Gwen just looked at her husband and thought about what he was asking of her. Could she really do that? Would she be able to withstand an onslaught of gossip, insults and disdain just for the hope that one of them could be her friend? That she could help her change the minds of the nobles? And if she indeed found such a person, would just one noble woman be able to produce such a change? Gwen could not answer any of these questions. Not without trying. When she married Arthur she knew she would have to do sacrifices, she knew it wasn't going to be an easy road. But she had done so all the same. If this was the way to begin to break the wall within nobles and common folk she would do it. For her people.

She looked at the King's eyes and nodded. She would play to be the proper Queen. All of it for her people.

* * *

Away from the King's Chambers, Merlin was returning to his own chambers. Well, his and Gaius. He wanted to help his mentor with some potions. In the past weeks the old Physician was becoming slower and slower while mixing herbs or walking to one end to the other of the room. Merlin had insisted that he rested, that he could make the potions (after all he has been his apprentice for over six years now. He had learned one or two things about healing), but Gaius wouldn't hear any of that. Once or twice Merlin had caught him coughing, hard, but when asked the old man had said it was just something in his throat. Merlin had said enough lies in his life to know when he was being lied to; he knew Gaius was becoming ill. He had wanted to ask Arthur for some time off to care for his mentor, but the king had his own problems. It always amazed how the councilmen could stand so tall and proud of themselves while at the same time denied the equality to the people that Arthur wanted to bring.

'Well, not all people, now, is it?' he thought, but immediately refused to acknowledge it. In time, people with magic would have the same rights that the other citizens of Camelot. '

What about some rights to begin with'. Merlin stopped in the middle of the hallway and shook his head. This bitter thoughts didn't help anyone, least of all himself.

Some days he wouldn't have problems to vanquish this kind of thinking, it would be easy to feel hope for the future and the dream he so wanted to become true. Other days, darker days, he could not find the strength to hope; and without hope he didn't dare to dream of a day he could be free. Those days were dangerous for him. In the Dark Days, as he has come to call them, he felt the shadows within his soul rise and consume him, pulling him down, down, the darkness for him to never see the light again. It was on those days that he needed Gaius to remind him how to hope, how to see the light.

Gaius, who now was ill and the stubborn man didn't want to recognize that. Merlin decided he was going to do what Gaius always did to him when he was being a cabbage-head: he was going to give him a sleeping draught in his porridge. A taste of his own medicine, quite literally. He smiled and enter the Physician Chambers. And froze. Collapsed on the floor with broken glass around him was his mentor and father figure.


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello everyone! First of all I want to thank you for the reviews and for folllowing the story =). I'll do my best to not dissapoint._

 _Second of all: my uploading schedule. I'll try it to be once a month, but I'll probably slip somewhere so be patient with me. Please?_

 _And as I already warn you: English is not my mother tongue, so beware for grammatical horrors._

 **Disclaimer: I don't own BBC's Merlin. (Sadly)**

* * *

Chapter II

Merlin put down the now empty sack on the table and sighed. That afternoon have been longer than usual. After word that Gaius had fallen ill had spread suddenly everybody was sick. It didn't matter if it was just a sneeze or a simple cough, each and every single one of the people needed medical attention. And if that meant that a certain apprentice would visit them and they could ask him about Gaius health… well, it was just a coincidence. Lady Harriet was a particularly nasty old hag who wanted all sort of morbid details. 'Bloody woman. Speaking as if Gaius was dead already'. Which brought him to the man in question.

His old mentor was sleeping, no doubt exhausted from the past night. Ever since his fall Gaius had had problems when sleeping. Something about not being able to breathe properly while laid down. At first Merlin had thought it could be from a concussion, but there was not other indication of a head injury (as Gaius had made quite clear in his protests every time Merlin woke him to check upon him). So he thought it was the pain on Gaius broken hips- only to be proven wrong when the physician still awoke in the middle of the night after being fed a porridge made of pain killers and sleeping draughts. Merlin knew that Gaius knew what was ailing him; and he also knew that his mentor wouldn't tell him what it was. He feared the reasons why.

'He's not going to die. He's not. I won't let him.' Merlin kept saying to himself. If he say so enough times surely it would come true. 'I'll cure him. I know I can' But he couldn't. Every healing spell that he had tried had failed. He didn't understand. He was powerful; the most powerful sorcerer to walk the bloody earth so why the fuck couldn't he heal Gaius?!. At that Merlin hit the table with enough force to startle the old man out of his sleep.

"I'm so sorry, Gaius. I didn't mean to wake you up"

"Don't worry. I was going to wake up anyway" said the physician before a fit of coughing hit him. Immediately Merlin went by his side and helped him to sit up as much as possible without adding further damage to his fragile bones. "Could you give me some water?"

Nodding, Merlin went for the pitcher near the fire, poured the warm water in Gaius special mug and added a little bit of honey. Since Merlin didn't know the cause of the coughing he didn't want to risk contaminating himself by drinking from the same recipient as his mentor. They have learnt that lesson years ago the hard way.

"How are you feeling?", asked Merlin after Gaius finished his water.

"Sore. Tired"

"And your hips? Do they hurt more, less? I can try to heal them again" said Merlin a little too eager. Gaius only shook his head.

"There is nothing you can do for me, boy. Even a magic as strong as yours cannot force an old man's body to heal with the speed of a young lad"

"I don't understand. Isn't my magic healing you instead of, well," Merlin made a vague gesture towards his mentor "you?" For an answer, he got The Eyebrow. He hated The Eyebrow.

"You should really focus more on the healing art, Merlin - both classical and magical."

"You're still not answering my question"

The physician sighed.

"When you heal someone with magic what you're really doing is giving the body enough energy to repair itself at a faster rate. But it has a cost. To repair a body you need the materials necessary to do so. It seems that the younger bodies can produce enough of them for the spell to be able to heal the wound almost instantly. Older bodies, though, are more tired and can't produce the necessary amount."

"Can't I command your body to make the materials?"

"Maybe you could but I don't know a spell for that. And" said Gaius as he saw his protégé about to complain "I'm not in the mood to experiment on myself"

"I wouldn't test the spell on you!" exclaimed Merlin with a (almost) fake offence. Of course, he got The Eyebrow. Again. "Not on the fist try at least!" Gaius was not impressed.

"How's Arthur?"

His mentor was in no way subtle about the change of topic and that meant the subject was closed. 'For now. I'll find a way to heal you. You won't die, not on my watch'

"I don't see him much" was what he said instead "Now that I'm the acting physician I don't have time to be his shadow so he called George. Well, Gwen called George and convinced Arthur it was for his best interest"

"How on earth did she pulled that out?!" asked a very surprised Gaius

"No idea! But you should've seen his face this morning! Priceless" Merlin laughed as he remembered the sheer terror in Arhur's face when he said he couldn't come back to work yet. It seemed that George was trying to lighten the King's mood with brass jokes. He knew that in the end this would turn against him, but for now Arhur's misery was Merlin's joy.

* * *

Meanwhile Arthur was on the Small Council Chamber with the Knights of the Round Table, talking. Or trying to. Gwaine was not happy about the intentions of his King and he made his displeasure well known.

"So you want us to forget everything we stand for and go and be friends with your pompous knights?!"

"Yes", in retrospective, Arthur thought that may not be the best answer to give.

"Have you lost your mind?!" Gwaine shouted. He was pacing around the chamber. Three passes to the left. Turn. Three passes to the right. Shout at Arthur. Turn. And repeat. He was like a feral animal caged in a too tiny a space, ready to bite whoever came close to him. Arthur didn't have the foggiest idea why Gwaine had reacted so strongly, and seeing the face of the other knights they didn't either.

"Gwaine! You can't talk to your King like that!" said Leon. He was, as always, besides his liege, prepared to defend him if the fight took a more physical approach.

"He's not being a King right now. He's being a Princess!"

Arthur frowned. As the time have passed Gwaine have given the nickname Princess a different connotation depending on the situation; nonetheless it have always had a fond exasperation behind it, even when he fist used it. Now, however, the fondness was gone leaving behind only the exasperation in what was clearly an insult.

Before he could react to it, Percival stepped in the middle of Gwaine's path. He had his hand raised in a placating manner, his massive body, somehow, giving an aura of peace and calm. He locked his gaze with the rouge knight's and spoke slowly.

"Why are you so upset?" he said.

'Trust Percival to go to the heart of the matter', thought Arthur. The big knight didn't spoke much and his massive muscles gave the impression that he was more brawn than brain. A quite erroneous impression. Percival liked to analize a situation before acting, especially when the problem didn't require brute force but diplomacy. He knew when to keep silence and when he had to intervene. And when he did, he always went for the root of the problem. Arthur was proud of that.

"Because nobility is defined by what you do, not by who you are" answered Gwaine, as if he was revealing the meaning of the universe. Arthur didn't understand it and a quick glance to Leon told him his First Knight thought Gwaine was speaking nonsense. But then he looked at Elyan and Percival. They understood. And they agreed.

"He's right" said Elyan.

"Ha! Thank you! What do you think ´bout that, Princess?"

"Right about what?!" asked Leon, confused. And maybe a little hurt that he was left out of the camaraderie surrounding the common born knights. "He made no sense!"

"Think, Leon, think!" said Gwaine. He had a sharp smile on his face and Arthur knew he wasn't going to like what he said next "I know you can do it even though you're a noble"

Leon growled and throw himself at Gwaine but Percival stood in the middle, trying to keep the two apart. Gwaine was laughing and Leon shouting, which made Elyan shout in return when the First Knight said something regarding the intelligence of a commoner. All the while Percival was the only one preventing a full out fight within the noble knight and the other two, but he seemed to be loosing his patience. Arthur knew he had already lost it.

"ENOUGH!" everyone froze at his command "Leon, come back here now". He said and pointed at his side. Then he looked at Gwaine in the eyes "And you are going to border patrol. A long border patrol"

"How dare you..." started Gwaine but Arthur didn't have time for one of his tantrums.

"You are going to do exactly what I command you to" he said. His voice was like steel; his eyes, stone; and his demeanour, regal. He was going to be obeyed. "You are going to take the new trainees with you and patrol the border of Camelot. You are going to befriend them and show them what a common born knight is capable of. And you will. Not. Get. Drunk. I will not stand for you to be an embarrassment of a knight." He made a pause. Gwaine was seething with rage but still made no move to attack him. Victory. "Am I clear?"

For a long moment there was absolute silence in the room. No one dare move least they broke the enchantment and the fight would begin again. When it seemed obvious that Gwaine was not going to do what was ordered of him, he bow, low, deep and mocking all the same. And then he stormed out of the room, closing the door behind him with a loud boom.

* * *

How dare he?! The guts of the Princess! He was going to kill him! To ask them to pretend to be something they're not. As if he was ashamed of them! And then to stay there, all high and mighty, as if he didn't just ask of them to abandon what they stood for, as if their roots were something to be forgotten about, buried in the shadows. Their origins were humble, but Arthur wanted to play pretend and act like pompous noblemen. Well, technically, his origins weren't humble and he in fact was a nobleman. But Arthur didn't know it, nor will he ever do, but the point remains. Even more so, his point was more valid. He remembered well how the noblemen acted: like they own everything and everyone, and all the people should bow to their whims. They didn't listen to anyone but those who were just like themselves and those who were different they scorned. There was no reasoning with them. Not with words at least.

Gwaine sighed as he packed a change of clothes in his bag. He had to admit Arthur's intentions were good. They needed to close the gap between noblemen and commoners; both needed to see that the value of a man wasn't defined by who your parents were but by the actions you did. And that's why Elyan, Percival and himself were for, even if he was a bit of a fraud. Knight were more receptive to actions than words, so they have tried to made an example of themselves by being good at swordsmanship, riding, patrolling, and other knight-related activities. He admitted he wasn't the perfect example for he got drunk more often that someone of his position should, but he was trying to get rid of his addiction ("The first step is to admit you have a problem" Merlin had said to him after one night he had drunk too much and caused quite the scene. He hadn't wanted to hear it, but in the end he realised he had to change. Merlin was helping him. It was their little secret. Another one). Even though he wasn't the most perfect knight, he knew that sooner or later some or his actions (and Elyan's and Percival's) would be enough for some of the noble knight to get down of their high horses and some of the common folk to actually give it a try to knighthood. They were rol models. And Arthur was about to destroy it.

He didn't see what message it would carry the fact that the three remaining common knights suddenly started acting like supercilious and overbearing nobles (and he really needed to do something about Merlin's vocabulary seeping into his). For they'd have to be supercilious and overbearing so they would have a chance for the nobles to talk to them, let alone befriend them. Again, Arthur wanted words to have more power over knights than actions. How come he could think that they could befriend the nobles? And why was he so insistent on friendship?

The answer, of course, was Merlin. He remember what Arthur was like when they first met: the perfect definition of a Prat. And if the stories he heard in the tavern were true, Arthur had been even more of a prat in the years before Merlin arrived. It was the friendship he had developed with the young and cheerful servant that had change him into a better man. He supposed Arthur was trying to make Merlins of them all, to change the perspective of the nobles through friendship.

And he supposed he could try to be a Merlin. After all he had changed Arthur without changing himself. He sighed again, in the hallway in the way to the stables. He may have overreacted a little. Not that he was going to tell the Princess.

"What's the matter?" said a voice behind him. Gwaine grinned.

"Merlin!" he hugged the lanky boy, his best friend in the world. Merlin hugged him back and smiled, then pointed to the bag on his back.

"Going somewhere?"

"Arthur's being a prat. He's sending me with the new trainees to do border patrol"

"What did you do now?"

"I'm deeply offended" Gwaine said. He was smiling form ear to ear. His bad mood nowhere to be found. "Maybe I offered myself to be the tutor of these young and promising knights..." Merlin was not to be fooled. He gave him The Eyebrow. He hated The Eyebrow. "Or maybe I started a fight with Arthur… and then Leon. So he send me away." Merlin's expression changed form The Eyebrow to The Eyebrows. You had to be especially stupid to gain Merlin's Eyebrows.

"How did you manage to pissed off Leon?"

"You know me. I have my talents" Gwaine flashed his most irritating smile.

"I shouldn't be surprised that you managed to get a three month punishment" Merlin laughed. But Gwaine wasn't smiling any more.

Three months. He wasn't going to be in Camelot for three months. If Arthur put in motion his plan, there was a high possibility that Merlin would be let aside. Nobles and servants didn't get along very well after all. He was sure Arthur wouldn't abandon him, but the King was an oblivious man and he wouldn't notice if Merlin was upset. And Merlin needed support right now, with all that have happened to Gaius. He prayed that the knights would make time to look after him.

They were by the stables now. Merlin hugged him again.

"Take care of yourself, Gwaine"

"Yeah, you too" he said. If it was a little fainter than usual, Merlin didn't seem to notice. The servant started to leave and Gwaine was suddenly afraid. "Merlin!" he called. The boy turned around with a little frown. "You know you're my best friend, don't you? That you can count on me for anything, right?"

Merlin frowned a little more and then beamed at him.

"Of course I know!" he laughed. "You're one of my closest friends, too, Gwaine. Now go. Your pupils are waiting for you" And with that, the boy turned around and left. "See you in three months!

'Gods, please, looked after him' Gwaine send a silent prayer. "See you!"

* * *

Merlin returned later that night than the others. This time he had actually have to try and cure an ill person. It had been nerve wrecking knowing that the diagnosis and the treatment depended on him and his knowledge; a knowledge he knew was incomplete. Until that moment he thought he had, if not an outstanding comprehension of healing, at least a well enough understanding of the art. He did, but to put the theory into practice was another thing altogether. In the end he thought he did alright but he would know for sure in the following days. 'I wish I had paid more attention to Gaius lessons'

When Merlin opened the door to the Physician Chambers darkness meet him. And the smell of urine. 'I thought I emptied the letrine before going' He stepped inside the room and lighted up the candles with a flicker of his hand.

"How are you feeling?" he asked. He put the sack with the herbs on the table, it was the one that Gaius had gave him the first time he had gone to pick herbs in the forest. When he didn't get an answer he looked to his mentor to see if he was sleeping. There was a dark stain in the sheets, near the lower half of the old man. "You know there's no shame for someone that can't walk to pee themselves, don't you?"

Still, no answer.

'Is he sleeping? Or doesn't want to talk to me because of his pride?' Refusing to acknowledge the icing feeling speeding trough his body and the faster beating of his heart he approached the sleeping form of his father figure. 'He's sleeping. He's sleeping. Gods, please, let him be sleeping' was his mantra.

"Gaius?" he asked once more. Silence responded. He shook his mentor's shoulder. Nothing. "Gaius!" he said, raising his voice. There was the beginning of hysteria in his tone. He shook him harder but the old man was unresponsive. 'No, no, no, nonononononono. Please don't. Please. No'

He tried everything. Every spell he knew, every incantation he had ever read, he tried. He even invented some new spells although he had promised Gaius to never experiment on him. But it was all in vain. Gaius chest was moving no more.


	3. Chapter 3

_So... I know i'm late, like, very late. But! I was busy being murdered by collage. I've only ressurected yesterday so please don't kill me again. I must say I'm a little embarrassed that it had take me so long to write a short chapter, but it's difficult to write emotions, and only emotions. It also (un)helps that English it's not my native language (I´ll always remark this. For your safety mostly, so you know ahead of time that what you're about to read will probably make you sick with all the errors that it has.)_

 _All my excuses being said I want to thank everyone who followed and/or make this story their favorite. It humbles me to see people liking what I write and I'll try my best to keep doing something you can enjoy. Feel free to write me about your opinions on the story, if you liked it, hated it or what do you think will happen next =)_

 **Disclaimer: I don't own BBC's Merlin (sadly)**

 **Chapter III**

Arthur knew something was wrong when he woke up. It may have been for the weather outside where heavy rain clouds gathered and the winds howled like mad announcing to everyone that day was going to be a dreadful day. It may have been the chill of his chamber, for the fire had long died out even though there was still plenty of firewood. But Arthur knew it was none of this things. It was Merlin. He was late. Again. George may be his temporary manservant, but both Merlin and him had agreed that Merlin was to wake him up and bring him breakfast. He had to endure George for the rest of the day, but he at least he would begin his day with someone who didn't make him want to tear his ears off.

Irritated at the incompetence of his servant, he stood up of the bed and went directly to the Physician Chambers. He was going to make Merlin's ears larger after this. He opened the door and enter to a wrong universe.

Herbs, papers and broken glass were scattered all along the room as if a storm had come visiting in the night. In contrast with that chaos was Gaius, quiet and pale Gaius. Unmoving Gaius. Dead Gaius. And in the mist of all sat Merlin. Quiet, pale and unmoving. But alive. He sat in the centre of the chaos, the eye of the storm, and looked without seeing the peaceful form of his mentor.

"Merlin?" Arthur whispered. Speaking out loud seemed wrong, disrespectful even. One should not disturbed the lair of the dead. 'Gods, he's dead'. It was so wrong. Gaius couldn't die. Not him. He raised him when his father couldn't; he have him advice and guided him with the only propose of making him a better King, a better man. In a way he was what was left of his broken family, and he had just lost him. And if it was as terrible for him, he didn't want to imagine what it was like for Merlin.

"Merlin?" he repeated, a little more loudly. He began to walk towards his manservant 'Friend. He's my friend. And he doesn't deserve this. Oh, Gods, why are you punishing him?' but stopped in his tracks when he saw his eyes. He had expected red-rimmed eyes, the track of tears and all other fluids that came for crying ones soul out; but Merlin's eyes were dry as if he haven't shed a single tear in ages.

It was the shade of his eyes, though, that revealed the true emotions behind that blank face. His bright, cheerful eyes, the ones that compete with the sky itself, were dull and dark. The mirthful azure had been lost and in its place stood a hollow blue. And hollow they were. They seemed to suck out the light, be it form the room or the light of happiness; because how could there be happiness if Gaius was dead?

At first Merlin didn't recognize him and Arthur feared he was lost in shock. But after blinking oh so slowly, he seemed to come to his senses. He tried to speak, probably to call him, but his voice broke the very moment he opened his mouth. And he began to sob, tears finally coming down. Without thinking, Arthur kneel on the floor and hug him. Something in Merlin snapped. He hugged Arthur, almost squeezing him with the force of it, and sobbed so hard he was practically wailing

Outside the storm was raging, water falling in furious waves and the wind screaming in grief. It was going to be a dreadful day indeed.

* * *

They were in the inner courtyard of the castle, standing in front of a funerary pyre. The wind was raging as it had been for the last two days and even the thick walls of stone didn't seemed to stop it's crusade. It was a cold, bitter wind that cut the skin of whoever dare to step outside. 'The wind is angry' Gwen had thought two days ago when she looked through her window. She had been wrong. The wind was mourning. 'And it still does. How fitting'.

That fateful day she had paid no mind to the unusual strong wind except to think that she'd have to meet with the court ladies in her antechamber instead of the gardens. It was funny how that had been her biggest concern at the moment, how she was so upset for having to meet with people she didn't like. How petty of her. And so she had dressed herself in one of her finest dresses and asked her maid to help her do her hair, all the while preparing herself for an exhausting day. And it had been an exhausting day, just not in the way she had thought.

The first sign that something was wrong was when her husband failed to meet her in the corridors connecting their chambers. They couldn't always have breakfast together, nor dinner, and the meals were often shared with a noble so they didn't have privacy. It was for that reason that they have decided to meet in this corridors at mid-morning, however busy their schedule was, those ten minutes of only _them_ were sacred. But that day Arthur hadn't come.

She waited, five minutes, ten, fifteen. By the time he was half an hour late, she couldn't feel anything but dread in her stomach. He never, ever, missed their time together. Something was wrong, very wrong. So she had walked ("Never run, Guinevere" Arthur had said in the first lesson on how to be a 'proper' queen, "Royals never run unless in case of imminent attack. You cause panic when you run" So she never ran, even if she was feeling quite panicked) to his husbands chambers. She was sure she was going to find him dead or dying, agonizing in a pool of his own blood. So certain she was that when she opened the doors and found them empty she didn't understand what she was seeing. But when she did, he sighed with relief. They were empty, her husband wasn't dying… unless he was dying somewhere else.

That traitorous thought had her moving again, this time to the Physician Chambers. If someone knew where Arthur was, it was Merlin. Even if her friend wasn't in his room, Gaius would know his whereabouts.

That had been when she found the second sign. As she was approaching the place, more and more people she met, every one of them with sorrow on their eyes. They weren't moving, they just stood there as if they were unable to comprehend… something. She didn't know what it was, and it was terrifying. "Someone is dying…" She thought at first, but the grief in her people spoke differently. She walked faster, fear in her steps.

And then, the third sign. The wailing.

It was a sound that Gwen had never heard before, but at the same time she had heard it a million times, even if she could not place where. It was the sound of despair. Dark, cold, pure despair. It spoke of lost love, of friendship gone… of a broken family. And then she knew where she had heard it before. It was in the aftermath of a battle; in a deadly labour. In the ashes of the pyre. Family had been lost here, good family. Her family.

She was near the open door now, but she didn't want to go forward. She already knew the grief that was ahead as she already knew that the hollowing wailing belonged to her cheerful friend. It was so wrong. Merlin wasn't supposed to make those sounds, she didn't even knew he was physically able to do them. Grief and sadness weren't emotions often seen in the vibrant, lively servant; they didn't have any business staying in her friend's heart. Oh, how her heart was aching. Freezed by the realisation that Gaius was gone, and broken with the hammer of knowledge that her best friend was hurting. Her heart was shattering in million pieces and she was surprised to not see the little remains in the stone floor. She didn't wanted to move.

A half-choked wail follow by a wet sob took her to the open door. And if her heart was broken before, it was all but frozen dust now. At her right, in a deceiving resting pose, stood the man that always helped her in her time of need; the one who would take care of her when she wasn't feeling alright; the one who had taught her the basics of first aid so she could take care of her father. He was a friend, a father figure, someone with whom she felt safe. And he was dead. And it hurt. It hurt very much, but that wasn't what destroyed her heart. If it had, there may have been some piece left to rebuilt it. No, the fatal blow to her weakened heart was the sight of her husband and best friend, both on the floor, the first holding the latter. It was the deep tremors shaking viciously the body of her friend, his haunted form hiding in the arms of her husband. It was the soothing motions that Arthur made at Merlin's back, how he tried to calm him and how his voice failed each time. It was when Arthur, the love of her live, turned to her with jaded eyes filled with tears and said her name in a broken whisper before he, too, cried in all consuming sorrow.

Two days later that picture still drove her to tears and uncontrollable sobs. It would haunt her nightmares for many years to come, she was sure. The speech that Arthur had prepared in the sleepless night before had come and gone and now Merlin, as Gaius warden, had the privilege to set fire to his mentor's body. The torch passed form Arthur to Merlin, the dancing fire making even more obvious the big bags under both men's eyes; they looked more dead than the dead man himself.

Slowly, Merlin approached the pyre. And stopped. He stood there and stared, unable or unwilling to move. Maybe both. His face was blank, devoid of any emotion; his body rigid yet hunched, defeated. He stood still so long that Gwen started to think he wouldn't do it. Then, suddenly, as if a lighting bolt had stuck him, he made a profound inspiration and stood as tall as he was, back straight and shoulders firm. He was a man on a mission. He closed the gap between him and the pyre, lowered the torch to the logs of wood and stopped again. This time he only whispered something Gwen didn't catch up, but it sounded like a prayer. Then, Merlin set fire to the wood. The flames came to live immediately, covering the pyre faster than Gwen though possible. And maybe it was just her imagination, a wishful thought, but the flames looked almost as if they were dancing. The way they flickered and wavered just for them to gain strength and brightness the moment after, the way they travelled among the logs, almost caressing them, protecting them. They were telling a story, but Gwen didn't know all the parts. She hoped Merlin would; this was the last conversation between father and son.

As the flames rose higher and higher, and then lower and lower, Merlin stood by the pyre, guarding his mentor's last resting place. And in all that time Arthur and Gwen stood alongside Merlin, guarding their friend.

* * *

The paper was blank. It had been blank for the last hour and a half and Merlin knew he probably ought to write to his mother to tell her what had happened. But he couldn't, didn't see the point to it. Yes, he'd write to his mother, she'd come, tell him everything would be alright and then she'd be gone again. What was the point? How could she understand what he felt? And he wasn't talking about the heartache. Even if his heart hurt like it was strung by serket poison, he knew he would heal. Or heal as best as he could. He had experienced heartache before with Will, his father. Freya. He has been broken with each one of their deaths; he remembered at the time that he hadn't seen an end to his suffering, no way he could mend his shattered heart again and keep it going. And he also remember that he had heal. So no, he knew his heart would stop hurting after every beat, not soon, but someday. No. What was killing his insides was the loneliness.

Gaius had known; he had been the only one who really knew him. In the middle of a kingdom who would happily see him burn for how he was born, having someone who knew and still protected him was… not freeing exactly; more like a brief pause of relief, the calm among the storm of hate. And even if Gaius had never quite grasped how it is to have a magic as strong as his own, his mentor had always supported him and tried to guide him through the unknown territory. And wasn't that telling? The person that best knew him still couldn't understand him, so how could he hope that the persons who only knew the stupid servant persona could? He was forever to be the buffoon, the idiotic who-knew-nothing servant that followed Arthur like a lost and pitiful puppy. Nothing more than the King's shadow. At that thought, anger welled up inside him and the candles in the room died out.

That had been a problem for the last four days. Every time he lost control over his emotions, if he was not carefully neutral, his magic would lash out at the first thing it saw. Only yesterday he'd been able to calm the storm he had unwillingly summoned, but now and then the wind would rise again and howl the despair he couldn't quite express. It was like being a child all over again. 'In more ways than one', he thought bitterly.

His childhood had not been a particularly happy one, nor sad, either; but two thing had marked him for life: his necessity for hiding and controlling his magic, and being alone. Until Will had come into the village he'd had no friends, only his moody magic. Now, it seemed, was the same. The last time he'd seen Arthur was three nights ago, when he had stumbled into the King's Chambers crying in the most pathetic manner because he couldn't sleep in the same space Gaius had died. Just like a child. Arthur had been good with him that night, making him company and trying to calm him. He hadn't even made a joke about him being a girl. 'I'm sure he was thinking it, though'. Merlin pushed aside that thought. If it was more difficult than other times there was no one with him to witness it.

So yes, Arthur had been nice with him and had given him the room adjacent to his chambers. The servant room, the one that he supposedly should've been using since he became Arthur's servant. For being the King's servant's room, it was awfully small. It barely could fit the bed and a cupboard in one side of the room, and the chimney on the other. That, al least, was an improvement. Not that he was going to stay in that miserable room for the rest of his life, just until he felt strong enough to face his ghosts. Arthur had said he could take some time off and stay there as long as he needed, and he hadn't seen him again to say otherwise, so Merlin supposed it was still true.

Alone in the dark, Merlin thought about a reason why Arthur hadn't come to see him again. Maybe he had sacred him with all his weeping. Merlin knew Arthur wasn't a man who did "emotions", and that night Merlin had been nothing but emotions. Arthur's idea of dealing with sentiments was a punch on the shoulder and then proceed to beat the shit out of a training dummy. Merlin didn't fit in that category, Arthur knew this and maybe he had decided to leave him and his girly emotions alone until they were back under control. That could also explain why none of the knights had come. Merlin knew he wasn't that close with the knights, except Gwaine (and only a little more), but did he really matter so little to them than none of them found the time to visit him? He'd only received their condolences the day of the funeral, but that was it. He had thought that Elyan, who shared the same caring nature than Gwen, would at some point drop by, even if it was just to see if he was still breathing. Then again, neither had Gwen. And, surprisingly, that had hurt him the most. He could understand Arthur because he didn't do that kind of thing, but Gwen? Gwen was caring, she knew how to deal with heartache, she was always looking after everyone… well, everyone she cared about. It looked like she didn't care about him. 'And why should she? Why should them? I'm only a servant to them, and a stupid one at that. They are nobles, even though they used to be like me, they all now outranked me. Why bother to be with someone below their status? They achieved their ranks because they fought with swords the same battles that I fought with magic. They're heroes, I'm a monster. Nobody cares about a monster'

With those dark thoughts he didn't bother to light up the candles with magic. Instead, Merlin let the shadows consume him.


	4. Chapter 4

Sooooo... I'm not dead. I wish I'd have more to say than 'I didn't feel like writing' but that would be a lie... Well, not a complete lie. For a few months my computer was broken and I had lost the begining of this chapter, which was what caused my 'don't feel like it' mood. Then, I started collage (hell) again and I didn't have much time. I still don't have time, but I'm kind of a masochist so instead of writing the assigment I'm due next week I wrote this chapter. Originally this was going to be one part of chapter four, but I think I made you wait too long. I'm sorry is so short a chapter for a wait so long, but something is better than nothing, I guess. For now on the chapters will be uploaded when they'll be uploaded. One month? Two? half a year? Who knows?! Not me. What I DO know is this story is NOT abandoned! I WILL NOT abandon this story. It may take me eons to complete it, but I will.

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.**

Enjoy :)

* * *

Chapter IV

Leon woke the same as he did for the last week: tired, depressed and angry. The passing of Gaius had been a sad occurrence, but not an unexpected one. The man had been treating wounds since before he became a squire, and even then he wasn't all that young. In addition, his health had gone downhill after he broke his hips. Maybe it was cruel of him to be so detached of the man that not only had treated his (frankly numerous) wounds but had also looked after him the first months of his squire-ship, when he missed his mother and was perpetually sore for the beating in the training field. Cruel as it may be, the course of nature couldn't be deceived and sooner or later Gaius would have passed away, illness or not. His life had been a great and long one, and his death peaceful; for that, Leon was grateful: not many men, particularly in Camelot, could claim passing away in their sleep. For all that, Leon wasn't upset for Gaius death itself, but what it have caused.

Leon was proud to say he wasn't a man easily taken by emotions, that he could overcome many jarring situations with few to none emotional scars. He was the First Knight of Camelot and he could face many a foe and walk away the victor. He had faced bandits, witches, immortal armies and death itself in the form of the dorocha; he had been furious, anxious, weary and scared out of his mind. And he had looked in the eyes of every peril, grinned and charged forwards because in all those times he had never lost the hope that he would prevail, that there was an enemy he could not defeat. That is until he saw the hollow pit of sorrow that have become Merlin's eyes.

Leon didn't coward away from many things; but Merlin's eyes haunted his nightmares. He'd never noticed it until it was gone, but the shine of Merlin's sky blue eyes had always been able to vanquish the shadows lurking in the corners. It didn't matter the situation they were in, or if Merlin was concerned or scared: his eyes always shone with determination, with the unwaveringly conviction they'd win, that Arthur would lead them to victory. And unbeknown to him, Merlin faith had become his own and suddenly he could not foresee a future where they would lose. It was thanks to Merlin he'd known what true faith to his sovereign felt like. That's why he hadn't gone to visit him; that he had avoided the young man all these days after the funeral. Because he was a coward. Because if he saw into those dark wells of hurt, he'll lose the ability to believe. How could he expect to overcome every adversity if the man who hope against all hope was hopeless? How could he believe he could defeat every enemy when his friend drown in a sea of anguish and there was nothing he could do about it?

And of top of everything, there was Lord Clayton, insisting to name a friend of his as the new Court Physician over Merlin. That was what made him angry: Merlin haven't had one week of mourning and already there were people who wanted to take away what was his. He couldn't battle the sadness that invaded his friend, but he would be damned if he didn't try to protect what was his rightful place. Merlin was the successor of Gaius, he had earned the title of Court Physician and Leon would defend his friend with everything he had. He owned Merlin that much.

The first time Lord Clayton suggested not naming Merlin as the next Court Physician was the very day after Gaius funeral. In that day, Arthur had deep, purple bags under his eyes and looked altogether miserable. Clearly he hadn't slept the night before, and, for what he heard Elyan saying about Gwen helping Arthur with his speech, neither had the monarch rest the night before that. Leon remembered how Arthur had to be dragged to his bed by (a surprisingly strong) Merlin so the new King could rest after his father's death. Then, Arthur had been heartbroken with grief but Merlin (always Merlin; cheerful, easy going and hopeful Merlin) had been by his side, doing what he did best: helping. Now, however, he had no Merlin and, even though Leon knew he was being cruel with the late King, Gaius had been a more important father figure to Arthur than Uther. With no Merlin by his side, Leon worried for the emotional state of his monarch and friend. And so, Leon went next to the King and asked possibly the most idiotic question in all his life.

"Are you alright, Sire?"

His answer was a deadpan stare of the King with a slightly raised eyebrow. Leon took it as a no.

"Sorry, Sire. Stupid question"

Arthur sighed. "I appreciate your concern, Sir Leon." Then, looking around to see if somebody was near, he continued in a lower voice "If I may be honest I feel like shit"

That above else was what made Leon understand how Arthur truly hurt. The young King never told how he honestly felt, always saying he was alright or not responding at all. It was a lesson that Uther had installed very strongly in a very young child: to show emotion is to show weakness. Arthur had learned it well, and even as the years passed and his father was no longer, the lesson was still there; strong and unbreakable. Only that, thanks to Merlin, there were few exceptions. In overwhelming situations when all seemed lost, Arthur had shown his true emotions to the people he felt most comfortable with, his brothers in all but blood. Leon was proud to say he was one of those people and thus he knew that when Arthur was being other than "alright" that meant his friend had reached rock bottom.

"Is there anything I can do to help you, Arthur?"

"Unless you have an elixir to bring join to my manservant again, then no" said Arthur, and then sighed heavily. He rubbed his sore eyes and passed a hand through his hair, a sign that he was stressed and reaching his limit. "Have you found more witnesses to Merlin's capability as a physician?"

"There are many persons who want to testify, but almost all of them are commoners and the rest of them are minor nobles. Dames and knights, one or two barons, but not anything higher than that. Gaius took care of those." Leon's voice turned cold and he couldn't repress a sneer at the memory of what Lord Allerton said to him when Leon asked him his opinion on Merlin. "They didn't want to be 'subjected to the incompetency of a clearly mentally addled manservant'"

For the way Arthur growled at the quote, Leon knew the King wasn't very happy with his subjects right now. True, most of the time Merlin was quite (very) clumsy and his coordination left much to be desired which gave him the appearance of someone not that bright… and come to think about it, some of the things he said and did didn't make much sense, either, not to mention his abysmal aptitude at chores and proper protocol… Anyway! Be that as it may, when Merlin had to work as a physician all his clumsiness and awkwardness disappeared. He took his job at healing people very seriously and he did not squirmed away from the more unpleasant parts. Leon wondered about the differences within Manservant-Merlin and Physician-Merlin, how the latter put attention to every detail, even the ones that couldn't be that important, but the former couldn't be bothered to polish a sword properly. One of the reasons was obvious: an unpolished sword wouldn't cause the death of someone, whereas a mistake in a potion could kill. But in the last couple of days Leon had begun to suspect another reason: Merlin didn't like to be a manservant.

It all began when he was asking Dame Collen her first impression of Merlin. She was one of the noble ladies that Merlin was permitted to attend to and she had been under his care for quite a long time, almost since the boy had arrived in Camelot. She had told Leon how she didn't knew how Merlin could manage being the then-prince's manservant and also be the physician apprentice for both were full-time jobs. She had told him (in whispers because she didn't want to be overheard what could be seen as treason) how she thought that Uther had been an idiot; after all everyone who cared to pay attention knew how brilliant the lad must be to know so much of the art of healing when most of the time he was mucking out the stables ("And doesn't the King have stable hands to do the job? Why send the poor boy?"). "There are many servants", Dame Collen had said, "but not so many physicians. And the lad came to Camelot to be Gaius apprentice. It was after he saved the King's live that Uther made him a servant, and he couldn't well refuse the King, now could he?". Indeed he couldn't, but he could be fired. That would explain his poor performance as a manservant, but unfortunately Arthur hadn't fired him (expect for a few exceptions) and so Merlin remained his manservant.

It was Lord Fawcett, or more accurately his brother, Nathaniel, that gave Leon an idea of exactly how difficult studying medicine was. Nathaniel had always wanted to be a physician, and so his parents had sent him to Greece. He had come after six year of studying _solely_ medicine as a full time job and then spent another five years under the eye of Griffith, the former physician of Lord Clayton, before he was given the title, and only because Griffith had died. It was because of his eleven years learning medicine without any other distractions that Nathaniel was skeptical of the amount of knowledge that Merlin could have obtained in ten years of sporadic study. Listening to Nathaniel talk (showing off) of the intricacies of healing, Leon learned that one had to really love the art to continue studying it, specially if you had other duties. ('I wonder if Merlin resents Uther for making him a manservant')

It also make him realise that Merlin must be either under prepared for the job, or a genius. When Leon told Arthur so, the King laughed.

"Merlin! A genius!" They were walking to the King's Chambers and there was no one to hear the monarch laughter. It was slightly hysteric, in Leon opinion, and more than a tad cruel. Sure, Merlin most probably wasn't a genius, but Arthur's laughter made him believe the King didn't think Merlin was intelligent. 'He must be tired', Leon thought, 'he wouldn't be this mean to him otherwise.

"Or under prepared, Sire" He didn't think so, but there was always the possibility that it was true. Either way, Leon would fight for Merlin's right to, at least, remain as an apprentice for the new physician. And, if he could, convince Arthur to unburned the lad and let him study only healing. Leon was sure Merlin would be very happy if that ever happened.

"That would be a problem if it's true. Especially now that Lord Ashworth is coming from Nemeth. When is he to arrive?"

"Princess Mithian cousin?" asked Leon, surprised. He's heard of someone important coming from Nemeth to negotiate a commercial treaty, but he's never imagined that the Princess cousin himself, the son of the brother of her mother, would come in person. That would… complicate things. "In five days, maybe six if the delegation is big."

Arthur sighed.

"So we have less than a week to elect a new Court Physician?"

"It appears to be so, Sire"

Arthur groaned.

"Do you think you and the rest of the knights can have all the witnesses needed before a week?"

"Elyan and Percival left to the surrounding villages two days ago. They should be returning within the day or tomorrow at the latest with information and hopefully more people. I have convinced several people of the lower town and some nobles to testify."

"Good. Gwen and I have been trying to delay the decision as much as we can, but I don't think we can postpone this issue for much longer. For better or worse, we'll have a new Court Physician by the end of the week"

"Yes, Sire". They have finally reached the King's Chambers, but neither the knight nor the Kings himself seemed very keen in entering. "How's Merlin?"

Arthur didn't respond at first, his eyes fixed in the doors in front of him, eyes full of pain for another.

"As well as you would expect, which is to say extremely bad" He sighed, heavily, as his shoulders crumbled. "He came to me the other day crying his eyes out. He couldn't sleep in the same room where Gaius…" Arthur didn't finish the sentence, his voice breaking and the end. Leon was kind enough to no comment. "I've never seen him so broken. It's… it's not right, you now? The world shouldn't make him feel so much pain."

"Merlin's a strong man, he can get over this"

"I know. But it still pains me to see him like this"

"It pains us all"


	5. Chapter 5

**Well, look who's NOT dead. I'll say what I want to say at the end of the chapter so you can read whitout further delay what I should have given you months ago... yeah... sorry 'bout that.**

 **As always:**

 **-English is not my mother tongue and I'm pretty sure in this chapter I invented one or two new words. Ups?**

 **-Merlin is owned by the BBC**

* * *

If Arthur would have time to consider it, he'd find funny how in a few days his life could flip upside down. He thought he had learn this lesson when Morgana had betrayed him not once but twice, when he discovered she was actually his half-sister, when his uncle had betrayed him. When Guinevere had betrayed him. Hell! Even when his father had died and he had passed from Regent Prince to King. Every one of those blasted times he'd felt his world crumbling down,shattering to millions pieces that refused to be brought back together. All those time he thought his world would never make sense again. But in time it had, the broken pieces mending and creating the world once again, albeit a colder one. And so Arthur knew his life would make sense again in a couple of days, after all he had learn his lesson. Nonetheless, a small worry was buried deep within his conscience, a little, traitorous voice telling him that in all those circumstances he always had Merlin to give his perspective and support, a constant factor in an ever-changing world. That little voice also told him that this time he didn't have Merlin to put back the world as it should be because it was his fault in the first place that everything had gone to hell.

Well, Merlin and Lord I'm-a-huge-pain-in-the-ass Clayton. The first time that Lord Clayton had suggested Nathaniel Fawcett as the new Court Physician three days ago, Guinevere had to sink her nails into his palm to prevent him from punching the asshole in the face. Gaius's ashes weren't even cold and that bastard wanted to usurp Merlin's rightful place. He hated the man. He hated even more that his explanation had had merit and that a little seed of doubt about Merlin's abilities had taken root in his mind. After all, how well could Merlin know the art of healing if most of his time was spent as Arthur's second shadow? And thus the necessity for witnesses of his manservant capacity as healer: to quiet both his and the other Lord's misgivings of the boy. More than once Arthur had had the impulse to command the Lords to accept Merlin as the new Court Physician (being King ought to have some advantages, didn't it?), but he was old enough to know that it wasn't a good choice: Court Physician was more than the King's healer, it was a place in the Council, a place of power that could and would influence Camelot on the hole. He couldn't just give it to any idiot. Not that Merlin was an idiot… most of the time, anyway.

He was making his way to the courtroom, where Merlin's future would be determined. 'Nothing to worry about, not at all', he told himself, 'where are the training dummies when I need them?'. Elyan and Percival had arrived yesterday afternoon with the witnesses from the surrounding villages. There was ten in total: five women, three men and two children no older than eight. All were clearly of low resources, probably never even traveled outside of their villages, but they still made the journey to defend his friend. It warm up Arthur's heart to know that Merlin was well loved even among the people who didn't saw him everyday.

But the warmth didn't last long, not when he entered the courtroom and saw Lord Clayton and Nathaniel Fawcett smirking as if they knew something he did not. It unsettled Arthur. Acting as he didn't feel anything but calm confidence, he sat on his throne and was followed immediately by Guinevere and the rest of the court.. She had her Queen-face, as she call it, where no emotion show but still make her seem approachable and just. It was not perfect, though. If you knew her well, and Arthur did, you could see in her eyes both anxiety and her unbreakable determination to defend those she loved. It gave her eyes a powerful and lovely shine, a very Guinevere-like look. They both look at each other and nodded minimally. 'This is it', it said, 'the moment of no return'.

Silence reigned in the chamber when Arthur stood up.

'We are gathered here to discuss the successor of our late and well loved Court Physician, Gaius Iatros. For those of you that are not aware of the circumstances, in previous sessions of the Council I and my counselors have stumble upon a conundrum. While I, the Queen, my loyal knights of the Round Table and a few other loyal noblemen and ladies support Merlin, Gaius' apprentice for the past ten years, Lord Clayton have raised his concerns about Merlin's capabilities to fully fulfill the Court Physician responsibilities. His concerns are born due to the fact that, while Merlin has been studying the art of healing for the past decade, he has also been working as my personal manservant, thus restricting his time as an apprentice. In light of this, Lord Clayton has suggested his own, new physician Nathaniel Fawcett to be Court Physician.

What we aim to achieve in this meeting is determine the capabilities of both contestants, Merlin of Ealdor and Nathaniel Fawcett, to carry out all of the responsibilities inherent to the title of Court Physician. To do this we have gathered for each contestant witnesses that have received first hand their treatment. They will be asked by Adrian Whitestone, the physician of House Leondegrance, of their symptoms and what treatment they received. He will asses if it was the correct treatment or if there was a better alternative, as well as other information he may deemed important. After all the witnesses are heard, he will announce who he thinks will better perform as Court Physician, although the final decision is mine to make.'

Arthur sweep a glance all over the courtroom. It was full of people, both noble and common folk alike. Part of it was the importance of deciding a new Court Physician, one that would have very real repercussion in the everyday life of the citizens of Camelot. The other part, Arthur wishfully thought, was because Merlin was beloved by many of those attending, and they wanted to see if he would get what was rightfully his. At least Arthur wanted to believe the town's people wanted Merlin as their healer; he wasn't so sure about the noblemen.

He sat on his throne and nodded. The first witness, one of Nathaniel's patients, took a step forward and began describing what had ailed her before Fawcett had treated her. The symptoms were common, easily mistaken for another half dozen diseases, if what Adrian said was true, making the fact that Nathaniel had successfully diagnosed her in his second try a very good promise of the man's capabilities in difficult situations. Good for him, less so for Merlin. The second witness, also Nathaniel's, had a rare disease with an even more rare treatment, even Adrian have only read of it, never seeing a patient in real life. The treatment, though, was valid, so Arthur couldn't say anything of inventing witnesses. Next was one of the women of the nearby villages that had come to help Merlin. Her testimony… was very lacking. First of all, her ailment was very simple, something even a half-good healer could treat and therefore the potions given to her was one of the run-of-the-mill cure-all diseasseas, hardly something to indicate Merlin's proficiency at healing. Or diagnosis. Or even potion-making. Arthur could only hope the rest of the testimonies were better.

They weren't.

While Nathaniel's experience ranged from rare disease to difficult birth through complicated potion brewing techniques (yes, apparently that was a thing. A very important thing), Melin's verely reached a bone broken badly and a flu a little more resilient that the average, but nothing out of the ordinary. Not one uncommon ailment or advanced potion making, nor an intriguing diagnosis. It was all simple. Granted, Arthur had not a single clue how to treat any of that, but according to Adrian it was something that a common healer could achieve. To make matters worse, for almost every treatment Merlin had done, Gaius had been there to guide him. Gaius had been the one to diagnose the patients, and Merlin the one to suggest the treatment. It had been years before, when Merlin was still learning, but given that there wasn't more recent patients, the questions remained if Merlin was capable of recognising an illness for himself. All was not lost, however. Yes, Merlin's experience was very lacking in comparison to Nathaniel's, but the way Merlin's patients talk about him gave a clear idea that the boy was efficient and very gentle, that he truly cared for the ones under his care. The same could not be said of the other man's patients. Although that could be their egos: they all were nobles.

When the last witness had finished, Arthur stood once again to allow Adrian to give his verdict. His heart was beating in his mouth as his anxiety increased. He had a guess how this would turn out, but he could only hope against hope. Alas, it was not to be. As expected of everyone on the Court Room, the physician favored Nathaniel over Merlin. Nonetheless, he did indicate that Merlin only seemed to need a little more training to be a good physician, maybe if he was to continue his apprenticeship with Nathaniel he could be a healer in his own right. A glance at the nobleman gave Arthur all that he needed to know: that jackass wasn't going to let Merlin, a commoner, be his apprentice. Not that Arthur wanted him anywhere near that pompous arsehole… And maybe he was a little angry at the man was a good physician, even if he lacked the same proficiency in attitude.

'Thank you, Adrian, for your counsel' said Arthur 'As we are now close to noon, I suggest to take a break and reunite at one bell past noon where I will give my final decision'

As the people emptied the hall, he took Guinevere hands and left to one of the passages of the end of the room reserved for royalty. In the way, he looked for Leon, Percival and Elyan and nod to them to follow him.

They reached an empty corridor and gave a collective sigh.

'That did not go nearly as good as I expected' said Leon.

'I'm sorry, Sire' apologized Elyan, 'Percival and I never thought of asking what kind of treatment they have received. We only searched for people treated by Merlin'

'You have nothing to apologize for. If I'm honest I didn't think of it either, I should have said to you to look for more recent patients. Nonetheless you two did well in finding people willing to travel this far. Merlin would be grateful for your help.'

'The good that did'

'Nonsense' said Guinevere 'At least he had a validation of his abilities, limited as they might be'

'Maybe if we could gain a little more time Merlin could finish his apprenticeship' suggested Percival, but Leon was shaking his head before the giant knight ended his sentence.

'We need a new Court Physician in case someone in the envoy from Nemeth need treatment.' Leon paused as his eyes narrowed, thinking 'But maybe… It isn't common, but they had been cases when a city was so big that the Court Physician wasn't enough to treat all of the citizens. They used two healers, one for the nobles and the royalty that was the Court Physician and the other one for the minor nobles and the common folk. This other one didn't have a title, per se, but it was an important position nonetheless. Maybe Merlin could be this second healer until he ends his studies?'

'That could work', said Arthur, 'As you said, it is rare but doable. Nathaniel could be a temporary Court Physician. He wouldn't be happy about it and he definitely won't train Merlin but we can find another healer to teach Merlin, maybe Adrian?'

'I could ask him if he would be willing to have a second apprentice, Sire, although Merlin should go to my state to study'

'Hmmm, it's not ideal. Look for healers in Camelot wanting for apprentices. If you don't find any, I'll search for physician willing to stay in Camelot'

'Yes, Sire' chorused the three knights.

'Don't worry, Arthur, Merlin will have what he deserves' said Elyan before going, presumably, to the lower town to do what Arthur commanded.

A small hope ignated in Arthur's heart while he saw his knights disappearing through the corridor. All was not lost, he could still name Merlin as Court Physician… in time. He just needed time. He turned to see Guinevere and the look she gave him confused him. It was calculating, like she analyzing him and was planning to tell him… what? It unsettled him, more so because he had expected a happy face at the idea of defending their friend to the end. A strange sensation replaced his hope, and that made him angry and afraid at the same time. Stupid emotions, why do they have to be so complicated?

Eventually, they reached the Kings chambers. As soon as the doors were closed, Arthur began pacing to and fro along the table ignoring his wife as he tried to make sense of what he was feeling.

'Arthur, look me in the eye' demanded Guinevere and Arthur was forced to do so, although his frustration still manifested in the incensat movement of his fingers. 'I know you love Merlin and you don't want to hurt him, but can we really afford to have a Court Physician not fully trained?'

'You heard Adrian, with a little more time he could be a good healer. And the knights! Their idea was good. He only needs a little more time' But as Arthur was saying that, he knew he was grasping at thin air. They didn't have more time. They had to choose now.

The choice was obvious, but the part that was went against all logic and was loyal to Merlin was screaming at him angrily and a tiny bit desperate. As King he knew his duty was first to his people and, usually, when it was him making a sacrifice he didn't mind it all that much. But when it required for others to sacrifice something of themselves… that was another matter altogether. He didn't want to ask Merlin to sacrifice his last connection to Gaius, he deserved better. He was King, damn it! He could do as he pleased! If he wanted Merlin as Court Physician, he would have Merlin as Court Physician!

Guinevere words cut through his haze.

'If you had all the time in the world, would you still choose Merlin?'

At first Arthur was struck speechless at the cruelty of her words. Had she so little faith in him, her so-called best friend? Didn't she think Merlin capable of learning something as complicated as healing? He knew he called Merlin an idiot most of the time, but he never thought of him as an actual idiot. And Guinevere always reprimanded him when he called him that, telling him that Merlin was smarter than he looked like. So why…? Oh. It wasn't Merlin she didn't have faith in. It was him. Well. Sort of. It was a problem so obvious that Arthur was a little ashamed of not thinking of it earlier. If Merlin was Court Physician, then he couldn't be his manservant. What Guinevere was really asking was if the was willing to relinquish his friends company.

Arthur was King and he knew his duty was first to his people. He didn't mind making sacrifices… Usually. But there again was the part of him that listened to no logic and was loyal to Merlin, and now that part was screaming not to give Merlin the position. How easily that part of him had changed. He thought, briefly, that if he was so loyal to Merlin he would make him Court Physician even if that would take him away from Arthur. The quick denial that followed surprised him. Maybe that irrational part of him wasn't as loyal to Merlin as it wanted Merlin for himself. It shamed Arthur to think he was so selfish, but Merlin was _his_ manservant, not everyone physician. Plus, Nathaniel was the better healer of the two, hands down. Would it really be for the benefit of the people to have Merlin as their medic when there was clearly other people better qualified? No, it wouldn't.

Arthur looked into Guinevere eyes. So beautiful and so full of knowledge. She knew what he was going to respond, and the reason behind it, and she didn't judge him for his selfishness.

'No', he said, 'I wouldn't choose him' And those words hurt him, because it was the truth. The selfish, pratish, self-absorbed decision that the prince that he had been would have made.

'Then let's announce our new Court Physician" She looked at him warmly, with a little, odd, smile he could not quite understand. But he understood her eyes. She supported him and forgave him for this decision.

He could only hope that Merlin would do the same.

* * *

After his dark, depressing and (a little) exaggerated negative thoughts the previous two nights, Merlin woke up in his new bed and laughed at himself. He had sounded like a petulant adolescence who had been denied a flimsy desire and thus proved that the whole world was against him. How dramatic of him. True, his friends hadn't visited him, but he was sure they had a reason, a good reason. What reason could that be he had no idea, but he was sure there was one. He had to had faith in his friends. Yes, they were his friends; even if they didn't know him completely they laughed with him, shared their food and drink with him, stood by his side. Last night had been a Dark Day, today was not. It wasn't a Bright Day, either, but it was what he had.

Giving a brief sniff on his clothes he decided he needed new ones and a bath, not necessarily in that order. There was a little basin and a cloth in his cupboard, so he fill the first with water and then heated it with worldless magic. That was another thing that had improved overnight: his magic wasn't moody anymore. It didn't feel the need to lash out at everything, instead it wanted to please him, as if it felt he needed cheering up. Knowing that his magic was quite peculiar he wouldn't be surprised if his magic had a conscience; creep out of course, but not surprised.

After he felt like a person again, Merlin walk into the adjacent room, the King's Chamber, to see if Arthur needed anything, and probably apologize a little for his sulking mood and his outburst of emotions. He knew it wasn't easy for Arthur to deal with loss and Gaius had been almost as much as a father to him than to Merlin. He should have been there with Arthur so they could both ease they sorrow.

Determined to leave behind his foul mood and help Arthur, Merlin step into the King's chambers only to find them empty. The curtains were drawn, the light of noon passing through the windows. 'Damn, it's late. I should bring Arthur's lunch' But the thought of having to go all the way to the kitchens and bear all the stares from his fellow servants made him pause. He didn't want their pity; even worse, he didn't want to see them laughing at him. He'd never been one to shy away from his emotions, more often than not displaying them on his face for all to see; nonetheless he had always controlled to some extent how much of his emotions he wanted to show. Not in this case. He had broken in front of everyone, utterly and completely shattered. He was ashamed of how weak he must have look like and he didn't have the strength to confront the ridicule that awaited him.

Merlin shook his head. That was the influence of the Dark Day talking, it was not true. He was friends, or at least friendly acquaintances, with almost every servant of the castle and the few that didn't like him, he didn't care what they thought of him. He had nothing to fear from them. Except, perhaps, their pity. 'Maybe it's best if I stay here and polish Arthur's armor. I don't even know if he'll eat here or when'. Convinced that staying in the chamber was for the best (and ignoring the nagging voice inside his head that said he was a coward), Merlin started to polish one of Arthur's boots.

That's how Sir Carador found him some time later.

"Merlin? The King and Queen request your presence in the Court Room" the knight said, startling Merlin. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you"

"No, it's alright. What do they want me for?" Merlin asked. He was confused: they have ignored him for the past four days and now, suddenly, the summoned him in the Court Room? What could they possible want to talk with him there and not in a more private environment?

"They're announcing the new Court Physician"

With that, Merlin knew what his friends have been doing: they have been busy arranging all the paperwork necessary to make him Court Physician. In all his sorrow about losing Gaius he never once thought of what it meant for him and his career. He was no longer an apprentice and he had to take the mantle of his mentor. He had no doubt that he was going to be Gaius successor, after all he had been preparing for this for the past six years. He would finally be an equal to the rest of his friends. With a very Merlin-like smile that surprised Sir Carador for its warmth, Merlin followed the knight through the corridors.

Soon, though, his happiness transformed in worry. What if he wasn't good enough? Wat if he had to treat something he never treated before? He was quite assured in his abilities to deduce whatever illness he might come across, but the doubt was there anyway. Curiously enough, it wasn't the idea of having someone's live depending on him that frighten him (the whole fate of Camelot had been in his hands in more than one occasion; compare to that one single life was not that daunting), but the idea of disappointing the trust his friends had trust upon him.

He knew that the Court Physician did not only cure people, but also advised the King and Queen. In public. He was no stranger to giving counsel to Arthur, but it was a more emotion-related, good-and-wrong type of advice. Not what he should do with an epidemic or, the gods forbid, other matters of state. He knew nothing of such things, nobody had ever teached him, and he was afraid of saying something stupid and make Arthur ashamed of him. No, that was de Dark Day talking. Gwen hadn't have a clue how to rule a kingdom either, and yet Arthur had been patient, and still was, with her until she could stand on her own two feet. 'But Arthur always had a soft spot for Gwen, while in the other hand he considers you stupid. I bet he doesn't even intend to naming you Court Physician. After all you're just an useless idiot' Damn, the Dark Day was not so silent today as he had initially thought. He needed to reign it in, to shut it's lying words. Arthur and the rest would never do that to him, they knew how much it meant to him to followed Gaius footsteps. He had work hard to earn it and they knew it. He was going to be named Court Physician today. This was going to be a Bright Day. It had to be.

Merlin entered the Court Room, forcing himself to feel the happiness he knew he should be feeling. The Dark Day was wrong and Arthur was going to prove it. Only that one look at his friend had Merlin doubting and the Dark Day screaming like mad.

The look in his eyes. And Gwen's. They look like the King and Queen about to pass judgment, not a trace of Arthur and Gwen behinds their eyes. Against the best of his intentions, Merlin began to truly doubt the reason he was here.

Arthur rose from his throne.

'Queen Guinevere and I have come to a decision after the trial'

'Trial?', Merlin thought, 'what trial? Why wasn't I told anything?' A growing panic began to raise in his chest. Did they know he had magic? Were they going to sentence him to death? Could he escape?...Did he wanted to?

'After considering Nathaniel Fawcett's capabilities as a physician against Merlin of Ealdor's, we have concluded that the latest has not yet the abilities to completely fulfill the role of Court Physician and thus the title becomes Fawcett's'

A polite but subdue applause followed the announcement. Merlin couldn't spare one flying fuck about it.

He couldn't believe it. This wasn't happening. This was _not_ happening. How could they?! After all this years of service, and they just didn't give a shit about him? The Court Physician title was _his. He_ had been studying for the past six years, _he_ had treated the knights and Arthur on their trips, _he_ had proved time and time again that he knew what he was doing. And they just… what? Ignored it all and look for some random guy to take away what was his by right?! Did they trust him so little that they preferred a completed stranger before him? And what fucking trial? Who had represented him? Was he represented at all? Did they even know who had he treated? He saw a few villagers on the side of the room. _They_ had been the ones to defend him? No wonder Arthur and Gwen didn't think him fit for being a healer. He had treated them ages ago, when he knew next to nothing! Where were his more recent patients? The ones he had taken over from Gaius?

'Obviously they did not search for them. Why would they? This was the perfect opportunity to "justly" denied your right. A few peasants treated years ago for a few broken bones and your inadequacy is proven to all. Even better, they look like they tried, like they are the heroes of the story for trying to defend their poor, idiotic, mentally addled friend.'Merlin knew it was the Dark Day talking, but he couldn't stop it. It's poisoning words rung true in his head and had Merlin seething with barely contained rage. He tried to calm down, but the next word almost shattered his self control.

'Lord Fawcett, would you be willing to have Merlin as your apprentice so he could finish his education?' asked Arthur, as if he was giving Merlin a magnificent boon instead of stealing his title.

'I thank you, my King, for giving me this vital part in your court. I will do everything in my power to be worthy of your trust ' said the random guy, Fawcett. Merlin had never before seen him in his life, but he knew the moment he saw that asshole eye's what his answer would be. Merlin briefly debated to blast him out of the window. 'And for an apprentice… alas, I'm not looking for one in this moment as I think it would hinder me as I grow accustomed to live in court.'

For the look on Arthur's face, he expected no other answer. The King took a big, deep breath as if the next words hurt him. Merlin, in his darkening mood, doubt it.

'Merlin, as you are no longer the physician apprentice you can no longer live in his rooms. As you are my manservant, you have full access to the servant rooms adjacent to mine. You have two full days to move your things to your new quarters'

That was it. He was going to blast the whole hall and all those in it, himself included. Merlin could barely keep his magic from acting out. He could feel it rushing through his veins: screaming, furious; an angry river full of sharp shards of ice. It was pulsing with hatred and hurt, begging him to let it free so he could make those who were making him feel so used and insignificant pay. He wanted to cry and yell that it wasn't fair. He wanted to destroy and roar that he was going to get what was his.

But he knew it would be of no use.

The words of the King were clear as crystal: he was a _manservant,_ he'd always be a manservant. He was not their equal, and now he would never be. Merlin laughed at himself silently. He has been so stupid to think Arthur and the rest would give him the opportunity to stand alongside them. How many times had he gone into danger and fought the same battles as the rest, only for _them_ to be recognized and praised while he remained a servant, a mere footnote on the stories of _their_ glorious achievements? They never considered him worthy enough to be a knight, but he had deluded himself thinking that the reason was because he was worthless with a sword. Now it seems that the real reason was that they considered him worthless altogether. And not enough with denying him any respect, they were now kicking him out of his home, his sanctuary and last connection with Gaius.

At that thought, the raging river of his magic froze and with it his emotions. He didn't feel hatred or sadness or hurt. He just felt a detached cold. So be it. They wanted a manservant, they would get _only_ a manservant _._

Merlin look to the face of the traitorous snake that was the Pendragon King, and made a perfect bow, the kind that he never had bother to do before.

'Sire', he said. And then left the hall, unaware of the silence that his action had provoked.

Outside, black clouds of an electric storm were gathering. 'The Dark Day was right', Merlin thought. The wind rose and hauled an ire-filled cry.

* * *

 **This is a very important chapter. I tried to justify both Arthur's and Merlin's thinking. Arthur, although he had good intentions at the beginning and he really wanted to do right by Merlin, is overcome by selfishness and decides he wants Merlin for himself. Is a bit OOC? Yes. But also it isn't. His final decision is for selfish reasons (which one would think he outgrew them by now, but apparently not. That's the part were he is a little OOC), but he also has a valid reasoning for not making Merlin court physician. If Merlin is really capable of being the Court Physician or not is something for you to decide. Personally, I think he needs, at this point in his life, a little more training, but he's not nearly as hopeless as Arthur and Co. thinks he is.**

 **As for Merlin. The Dark Day, as he calls his bouts of depression and self doubt (it's not an evil entity nor nothing of the sort), is making him think in ways he wouldn't normally think. He's not emotionally stable at the moment and so is more susceptible to the Dark Day.**

 **Speaking of depression, I don't have it and thus I don't know if I'm being insensitive about something or if I'm pulling trigers for someone. The Dark Day will appear frequently to give Merlin bad suggestions and to question his worthiness, but nothing more. Even so, if there's something I'm doing wrong or think it has the potential to triger someone PLEASE tell me. I'll do my best to fix it or at the least put the necessary warnings.**

 **One last thing before I disappear again: if I don't answers your review is because I'm a colgada (spanish expression meaning that I do intent to do something and then I completely forgot what I wanted to do or I postponed it so much that in the end is better not to do it), but know I really appreciate them.**

 **See you… someday...**


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